I wrote this one a few years back, hope you likes!
CINCINNATI, OH- Earlier this spring during on baseball's opening day, United States Vice-President Dick Cheney seemed visibly distracted upon entering the Great American Ballpark while throngs of young teenage girls stormed the walkway barricade screaming "I love Dick!"
"It's quite remarkable really," Mr. Cheney later commented. "I must admit, I'm very flattered. But I don't see what all the fuss is about."
In recent weeks, Dick's popularity has exploded amongst unregistered female voters between the ages of 14 and 17. Sandy Crenshaw, a pollster for the Gallup corporation, says this latest phenomenon may be more explicable than first thought.
"Young women have always been attracted to men who are in a position of power," she says. "What we're finding more and more is that the young girls of America aren't completely ignorant as to who really holds it. They're recognizing that members of boy bands and the like are simply corporate `tools' with no real power at all. Therefore, they've gravitated towards hero-worship regarding powerful political figures, CEOs and the like. As far as the country is concerned; everyone seems to be aware that the President takes plenty of advice for his actions from his Dick."
However, not everyone agrees that Vice-President Cheney's popularity among this demographic reflects well on America. Attorney General John Ashcroft, for one, is appalled.
"When I saw footage of all these young, innocent girls... holding signs that read "Dick makes me throb," I was outraged and disgusted," Ashcroft admits. "The fact that so many young women seemed to be longing for Dick makes me feel very uncomfortable as a father, as a public servant and as a citizen of this great country."
"He's just jealous!" exclaims Peggy Fontana, 16, of Dayton. Peggy has been a fervent supporter ever since she first shook hands with Mr. Cheney during a campaign stop in 2000. She looks back on that experience with reverie, "I'll never forget my first contact. It's hard to explain, but when Dick got so close to me, it just made me quiver in anticipation for all the wonderful things to come. Now that we're so close to the election, I take in as much Dick as I can possibly muster. I'm looking forward to the next four years of his upstanding tenure." Peggy has even made an entrepreneurial effort within the lucrative political bumper sticker market, selling a variety of slogans such as "Honk if you love Dick!"
The Vice-President's newfound popularity, however, has yet to make an impact amongst the youthful male demographic. According to the recent poll, only ten percent of young American males between the ages of 14-17 say they "think about Dick constantly."
Peggy Fontana muses at this statistic, "I guess it just seems more natural. That's fine, really; I guess it just means more Dick for me!"
