[Mad_Mountie]

The following is an exerpt from my latest work in progress. I hope to complete it and begin the publishing process by next summer.

I would appreciate any feedback, as long as it's constructive.

[align=justify]A good deal of Darius’ time was spent spying on the Elders and their ‘Consultants’, ill equipped as he may be for the task, he was intrigued by their sudden appearance and with the swiftness to which they caught the ears of the village Elders. Darius revered their powers, demonstrated to him only once and quite by accident, he was astounded that day, hiding in the thick holly bushes neath shaded window of the Elder meeting quarters. To see such a thing so wondrous and strange, he stared in awe, his jaw drooped low to his chest and an unstoppable shriek of glee leapt from his throat as he watched the tiny chestnut wobble and strain, bursting in a show of slithering green; held in the weathered hand of the ‘Consultant’ a small tree, a chestnut tree, sprouted and grew into sapling, it’s colour and flora were lush, rich and healthy as any grown in the forest nearby. The sound of his amazement alerted the ritual participants to his eavesdropping and ended the show of magic, the tree withered and exploded into a billowing cloud of thick brown smoke; crashing chairs and the sound of tin cups falling from tabletops were followed by cursing and words of anger, of which Darius’ young ears had not heard before or after that day. The cloud of smoke of course gave the sly child chance to escape the wrath of the Elders, for none of the players had known who it was that interrupted their rite of bargaining, planned for months, and once completed would come to weigh heavy on the backs of their people.

Darius slipped through hedges and wood, staggering his path through the trees, being sure the sentry men gained no sight of him. Further and further he crept, away from the boredom of the village and into the wilderness around him, today travelling further than ever ventured before, his mind now filled with imaginative and boisterous ideas; picking up a stick he wielded it like a sword so broad, only the strongest of warriors could manage its mighty weight, and swiftly he shattered its length against the body of a nearby oak tree, the gallant soldier of his mind now reeled in unarmed defence against this ancient enemy of lumber. Though his fleeting passions were easily distracted and the sound of a rabbit, in hasty escape from this battle between boy and tree, caught his eye and his ear, bringing to notice a group of bramble berry bushes, not thirty paces away, on the far bank of the stream.

Plotting a course to the bright and plump berries, meant testing of the water’s speed, achieved easily with a clump of short grass, sprinkled from shore; the beck’s speed reasonable and it’s depth apparent, he thought ill of simply trodding across, and drenching his sandals, he wanted to spend the day on adventure and wet shoes meant sore feet in short order. A quick scout up river revealed a bridge of sorts, a tree trunk had fallen partway across, and the other half of the span could be managed, by balancing on several rocks. Without thought to sense or safety he clambered across the log, balancing with form then bounded from rock to rock, reaching the opposite bank with a smile of accomplishment. At a gleeful skip Darius made his way back down stream to the site of the berries, intent on gorging his belly with their sweet meal; braving the thorns he ravaged the bush, savouring the ripe fruit, all the while staining his hands and face with their dye. This side of the river boasted long grasses and bright clearings in the canopy of leaves overhead, tread worn paths weaved in and out of the lining brush, no doubt from daily treks to the crisp fresh water by woodland creatures of size and splendour. Well involved in the task of stripping a bounty of red berries from the bramble, Darius ignored his surroundings until the bright flash of blade stole his attention toward the edge of a clearing, not twenty paces to his side. A girl, tall and slender, with coal black hair, straight as any arrow he’d seen, sprang from the tall grass waving the blade and bearing her teeth. Darius nearly laughed at her proud display, that is until the red fury of her eyes caught the innocence of his, they glowed, menacing and horrible, and sharp in contrast to the whiteness of her beastly grin and the strangeness of her hissing growl terrified him almost to paralysis, but powerful desire to rid his sight of this horror soon again motivated him to move from that spot. And so, speedily yet clumsily be splashed across the river, drenching his shoes and tunic, and sprinted without pause back to the village, where his story would be met with tempered scepticism, but through insistence an armed scouting party would be dispatched at once to be sure the threat was only that of a young boy’s imagination.[/align]

[Blue_Nose]

Interesting - I assume this isn't the beginning, though, as it would make for a confusing introduction.

The main comment I have is on the flow - quite a few run-on sentences and misplaced punctuation made it a very difficult read at times. I'll make a few alterations for your consideration:

---

A good deal of Darius’ time was spent spying on the Elders and their ‘Consultants’. Ill equipped as he may be for the task, he was intrigued by the newcomers and the swiftness with which they caught the ears of the village Elders. Darius revered their powers, which were demonstrated to him only once, and quite by accident. He was astounded that day, hiding in the thick holly bushes neath shaded window of the Elder meeting quarters. He stared in awe, his jaw dropped low to his chest, and an unstoppable shriek of glee leapt from his throat as he watched a tiny chestnut wobble and strain, bursting in a show of slithering green; held in the weathered hand of the ‘Consultant’ the small tree sprouted and grew into sapling, it’s colour and flora as lush, rich and healthy as any grown in the forest nearby.

The sound of his amazement alerted the ritual participants to his eavesdropping and ended the show of magic; the tree withered and exploded into a billowing cloud of thick brown smoke. Crashing chairs and the sound of tin cups falling from tabletops were followed by cursing of which Darius’ young ears had not heard before or after that day. The cloud of smoke gave the sly child chance to escape the wrath of the Elders, and none of the players had known who it was that interrupted their rite of bargaining. It had been planned for months, and once completed would come to weigh heavy on the backs of their people.

Darius slipped through hedges and wood, weaving his path through the trees, being sure the sentry men gained no sight of him. On he crept, away from the boredom of the village and into the wilderness around him. Travelling that day farther than he'd ever ventured before, his mind now filled with imaginative and boisterous ideas; picking up a stick, he wielded it like a sword, so broad that only the strongest of warriors could manage its mighty weight, and swiftly he shattered its length against the body of a nearby oak tree, as the gallant soldier of his mind reeled in unarmed defence against this ancient enemy of lumber. However, his fleeting passions were easily distracted, and the sound of a rabbit, in hasty escape from this battle between boy and tree, caught his eye and his ear, bringing to notice a group of bramble berry bushes, not thirty paces away, on the far bank of the stream.

Plotting a course to the bright and plump berries ment testing the water’s speed, achieved easily with a clump of short grass sprinkled from shore. Though the beck’s speed reasonable and its depth apparent, he thought ill of simply trodding across and drenching his sandals; wanting to spend the day on adventure, wet shoes meant sore feet in short order (Ed: if he doesn't want to get his feet wet, why bother testing the current?) . A quick scout up river revealed a bridge of sorts: a tree trunk had fallen partway across, and the other half of the span could be managed by balancing on several rocks. Without thought to sense or safety, he clambered across the log, balancing with form, and then bounded from rock to rock, reaching the opposite bank with a smile of accomplishment.

With a gleeful skip, Darius made his way back down stream to the site of the berries, intent on gorging his belly with their sweet meal. Braving the thorns he ravaged the bush, savouring the ripe fruit, staining his hands and face with their dye. This side of the river boasted long grasses and bright openings in the canopy of leaves overhead, and tread worn paths weaved in and out of the lining brush, no doubt from daily treks to the crisp fresh water made by woodland creatures. Well involved in stripping a bounty of red berries from the bramble, Darius ignored his surroundings until the bright flash of blade directed his attention toward the edge of the clearing, not twenty paces to his side.

A girl, tall and slender with coal black hair, straight as any arrow he’d seen, sprang from the tall grass, waving the blade and bearing her teeth. Darius nearly laughed at her proud display, until the red fury of her eyes caught the innocence of his; they glowed, menacing and sharp, in contrast to the whiteness of her beastly grin. The strangeness of her hissing growl terrified him almost to paralysis, but the desire to rid himself of this horrible sight soon urged him to move from that spot. Speedily, yet clumsily, he splashed across the river, drenching his shoes and tunic, and sprinted without pause back to the village. There his story was met with tempered scepticism, but through his insistence, an armed scouting party was dispatched at once, to be sure the threat was only that of a young boy’s imagination.

---

It was quite interesting, and while some of my adjustments were only based on preference of style, you need to watch your grammar, especially the use of puntuation.

Could you perhaps give a short synopsis?

I'm open to discuss my changes, and hope to read more in the future!

[Mad_Mountie]

Thank you...I appreciate your interest.

I probably should have said that it hasn't yet been edited for grammar, or anything else for that matter.

I do know that I can get out of hand with extraneous punctuation.

Anyway, the story is essentially a chronicle of three people; Lysania, a Princess, whose people cannot tolerate sunlight (much like vampires), Darius, whom you've met, a young boy from a midevil type village and Rhandat, a "wizzard", whose people live in a city built in tree tops.

Rhandat and his people are conspiring to incite war with Lysania's people, using Darius' people as pawns in their plans to assasinate the King (Lysania's father), and as may be predictable, a friendship and eventually a union between Lysania and Darius will serve to interrupt and stop the war. (Sorry to ruin the ending!)

The exerpt above is a small section from the preamble, and each chapter is a segue into the next character.

I hope to be able to keep up with my planned timeframe, but I already feel the weight of 1000 words per day. I'll finish it eventually is what I keep telling myself.

[fatbasturd]

not bad at all...just needs some beer boobs and a welfare check or two(to spice it up for us east coaster in the words of my bud WDHIII)

[Mad_Mountie]

fatbasturd fatbasturd:

not bad at all...just needs some beer boobs and a welfare check or two(to spice it up for us east coaster in the words of my bud WDHIII)

Shhhh...you'll spoil it for the sequel!!!

[Stagger_Lee]

That's really very good, Mountie...

A good start usually means a great novel

[Stagger_Lee]

you weren't hugged much as a child were you, WDHIII

[fatbasturd]

why

[fatbasturd]

when he does you can keep the stick ok

[Mad_Mountie]

WDHIII WDHIII:

Stagger_Lee Stagger_Lee:

you weren't hugged much as a child were you, WDHIII

Oy here we go again....... it was a FREAKIN JOKE there Skippy - now why dont you wander off to that stuffed cabinet of yours and chug a few downers ok?

Get the stick outta your ass would ya?

Oh no you didn't!!!!

Sup Pot...how's cettle?

[Stagger_Lee]

always the poet

$1:

No rating
Stagger_Lee wrote:
you weren't hugged much as a child were you, WDHIII


Oy here we go again....... it was a FREAKIN JOKE there Skippy - now why dont you wander off to that stuffed cabinet of yours and chug a few downers ok?

Get the stick outta your ass would ya?

My name isn't Skippy.

[fatbasturd]

WDHIII WDHIII:

fatbasturd fatbasturd:

when he does you can keep the stick ok

LOL what am i gonna do with a 12 foot piece of birch carved in the shape of Richard Hatchs penis?

put hadcuffs on it and call the IRS?

[Mad_Mountie]

WDHIII WDHIII:

Mad_Mountie Mad_Mountie:

WDHIII WDHIII:

Stagger_Lee Stagger_Lee:

you weren't hugged much as a child were you, WDHIII

Oy here we go again....... it was a FREAKIN JOKE there Skippy - now why dont you wander off to that stuffed cabinet of yours and chug a few downers ok?

Get the stick outta your ass would ya?

Oh no you didn't!!!!

Sup Pot...how's cettle?

Well it WOULD be funny but this is the fifth or sixth time Skippy has used this line on me.... its getting kinda old.

And this from a "mental health professional".... you think hed be a little more sensitive to my lonely childhood.....

Go ahead, make all the excuses your sensitive constitution needs.

*Hypocrite*

[fatbasturd]

memories of my life in a box....coming to a theater near you soon.

[Mad_Mountie]

WDHIII WDHIII:

Mad_Mountie Mad_Mountie:

WDHIII WDHIII:

Mad_Mountie Mad_Mountie:

WDHIII WDHIII:

Stagger_Lee Stagger_Lee:

you weren't hugged much as a child were you, WDHIII

Oy here we go again....... it was a FREAKIN JOKE there Skippy - now why dont you wander off to that stuffed cabinet of yours and chug a few downers ok?

Get the stick outta your ass would ya?

Oh no you didn't!!!!

Sup Pot...how's cettle?

Well it WOULD be funny but this is the fifth or sixth time Skippy has used this line on me.... its getting kinda old.

And this from a "mental health professional".... you think hed be a little more sensitive to my lonely childhood.....

Go ahead, make all the excuses your sensitive constitution needs.

*Hypocrite*

LOL speaking of sensitive - nice try newbie.

In case you missed it...

http://www.canadaka.net/modules.php?nam ... ic&t=16707