[bootlegga]

I'm going to ask you all for some relationsip advice.

On Easter Sunday, my girlfriend of almost 3 years told me she didn't truly love me any longer and wanted to break up. Of course, the dreaded 'let's be friends' line came out. Now, I still love her very much, despite the hurtful things she said. I would like some advice from the fine folks here...


Option 1 -- We stay friends

Her thoughts are we'll play tennis, go for walks/bike rides, maybe see movies together, maybe even go camping (this one is at MY discretion, not hers).

The advantage is that she may fall back in love with me if we see a fair bit of each other. She may find what she says she lost in the past few months.

The disadvantage is that she may get the milk for free, so to speak. I mean that she will get all the positives of being my boyfriend without any relationship pressures. This may make it even harder to get back together...

Option 2 -- We really break-up

The advantage here is that is she doesn't see or hear from me at all for a month or two, she might find herself truly missing me and want to get back together.

The disadvantage is that she already had 'space' and might not miss me at all, making this far more final than I wish. Another thing is that her son really looks up to me and we have a great time together.


Which path do you think I should follow and why?

[themasta]

I've tried the "just friends" deal and it's no good. There's no connection anymore and rather than just hanging out, it often feels like you're trying to go back to happier times and re-ignite the spark. It's painful but necessary to make a clean break, both for her and you.

[Streaker]

It's hard to let go when you're smitten with someone, but....


....give her space.

Minimum or no contact for a couple of months. Then give her a call and take it from there.

A break for a while will help both of you sort through your feelings and think about things more objectively.

[MissT]

Bootlegga, sorry to hear of your troubles. I have to say, I think I'm in a position to comment because I recently did the same thing to my boyfriend of 5 years, and we have been trying to find a way through this that minimises the hurt as much as possible.

The problem is we get on so well... so, we tried the "let's be friends" thing for a while. Was fine for me, but in the end, it hurt him even more he said. All our friends advised him to just stay away from me for a while. This really really upset me, I didn't want to lose him as a friend, because he really was my best friend in the world, and we understood each other so well. But I had to respect that he was getting hurt. Now we have barely seen each other for several months now, and I think it has helped him. It was really hard at first, not having him there, but I realised that I couldn't have it both ways. SInce this was my doing in the first place.

Of course it also meant that he didn't have me to lean on for all his shit, so there was a spell of chaos in his life too... but then that made him realise that he really needed to be self-reliant, and I think he has got stronger for it. I think he's much better now, or at least so my friends tell me.

The upshot is, you need to give her her space. More than that, dammit, you need your own space.

You can still be friends later, if you can both handle that. Maybe you'lll get back together... maybe, (and probably) not. That's life, and it can be tough. But you won't actually be doing yourself any favours if you cling on to a hope that she'll be back one day. That'll stop you giving your full attention to anyone else who happens to come your way.

[phiscott]

WDHIII WDHIII:

Staying friends in hopes of something rekindling is NEVER a good idea....


THIS has me a little confused tho.....

$1:

she will get all the positives of being my boyfriend

friends with benefits I'm assuimng.

[usababe]

I'm going to be blunt--don't mean to offend.

I say let her go. Why be with someone who tells you they don't want you? It's best to make a clean break and after time has passed you two can try to be "just friends"...if you try it now, you will never be able to be "just friends" with her...you'll always wonder and want to try again, etc...just let it go. I know it's hard but it's the best thing. Tell her that you want to be friends with her b/c you love her but that right now it just isn't possible but when some time has passed you'll give it a try.

good luck!

[dunker]

The pain was too great to maintain a friendship so it had to be severed...they say ex lovers make the worst friends.
Cut the ties and move on, the pain won't last as long this way...if you think you can make it work as friends..power to you. Good luck!

[Blue_Nose]

Well, that being said, there's no reason you can't be friends once you're 'recovered' - I'm very good friends with my ex today, but it wasn't possible when we first broke up.

If you were friends before you started dating, you'll likely end up as friends once the smoke clears... but for now, you need to get rid of her.

[Regina]

It's going to be tough........but I'd find another bike to ride.

[bootlegga]

Thanks for your advice everyone!

[Zoraja]

You probably already did this, but did you guys try and sit down and calmly, and I do mean completely calmly, discuss or make a list of things that were bothering each of you? You might be beyond this by now though. I dont know how she couldnt love you after three years. I would guess that she still does but thre are som other things that are majorly bothering her and she doesnt realize how much she does care for you. So if you can somehow tease out those other issues, and it may be very difficult, and might be impossible, maybe you oculd work something out.

I had to do that not so long ago and it did really help.

[BartSimpson]

"We can still be friends" is how women say "Fuck you."

Leave her and get on with your life.

Why?

Because...

1) She will expect you not to date anyone else as a symbol of how much she meant to you.

2) She will also expect you to silently accept her new boyfriend getting all bumpy and grindy with her while she tells you all about his various sexual proclivities that she either likes or dislikes.

3) She's trying to neuter you.

[Zoraja]

Not every woman will do that.

[Banff]

I agree with Bart 100%

[Virgil]

Ok look buddy, I haven't read this thread, but I think I can tell what the problem is from the question. I've got a great deal of experience with this stuff.

1. You both need to have at least some space, to prevent your feelings from blinding you competely.

2. You should both be committed, a relationship takes two.

3. You need to be committed but! you cannot demand so much as to stifle each other's social lives.

4. If you bring this up and she thinks your crowding her or something, then she probably doesn't understand and for the moment is not worth the effort (in the sense that she's worth the effort in everyway but you're basically dumped.)

5. Here's an example of something that happened to me, everytime my girlfriend would be able to hang out with me two weeks in a row, and her friends not at all, she would ask me if we could miss one week. I sa ok. But when she is going to hang out with her friends two weeks in a row and me not at all, she says nothing. I ask her, she says I'm asking to much and I feel I'm being shafted. Not good situation.

I hope that helped.