[raydan]

For a chemist, alcohol isn't a problem, it's a solution.

[raydan]

9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad...


...and left with my mom.

[BartSimpson]

raydan raydan:

9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad...


...and left with my mom.

You were quite the little squirt, weren't you?

[Robair]

$1:

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

[llama66]

Two old ladies sitting on a park bench. Guy walks up and flashes them; one has a stroke, the other can't reach.

[Strutz]

llama66 llama66:

Two old ladies sitting on a park bench. Guy walks up and flashes them; one has a stroke, the other can't reach.

[herbie]

Ah, Robair knows Jeep owners well...

[PluggyRug]

Abbot and Costello on "THINKING LIKE A LIBERAL"


COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in Canada

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible times. It's 5.6%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.

COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.

ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right, 5.6% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 23% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 5.6%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?

ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed

ABBOTT: No, Trudeau said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the
unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with
those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who
are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the
ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as
less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for
work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 5.6%.
Otherwise it would be 23%.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways
to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a
job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the
easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Liberal.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Trudeau.

[Mowich]

PluggyRug PluggyRug:

Abbot and Costello on "THINKING LIKE A LIBERAL"


COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in Canada

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible times. It's 5.6%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.

COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.

ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right, 5.6% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 23% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 5.6%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?

ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed

ABBOTT: No, Trudeau said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the
unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with
those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who
are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the
ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as
less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for
work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 5.6%.
Otherwise it would be 23%.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways
to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a
job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the
easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Liberal.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Trudeau.

[PluggyRug]

[Fighter]

[herbie]

Mike confessed to Janet, his best friend Doug's wife how he'd always had the hots for her. She said she'd always been interested in him too, but she wouldn't as she was married.
How about for $1000? He asked. She thought about it and says I guess so. But not now, how about tomorrow when he's at work.
They do the deed. At dinner time, Doug comes in the door after work all flushed at anxious.
Janet! Did Mike come by today and give you $1000?
She goes all red in the face, decides to confess and says uhhh.. yes he did!
Doug lets out a loud sigh and says "great! He borrowed $1000 off me last night and promised on a stack of Bibles to pay it back by this afternoon."

[raydan]

An oldie...

A man walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the waiter approaches he says to the customer, "what's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers because 'It Really Satisfies' and the one next to him calls his Maxwell House because it's 'Good to the last drop'.

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?".

"Timex" the fella proudly replies "'cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'".

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right that is sipping a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?".

"Ford because 'quality is job #1'" then adds "'Have you driven a Ford lately?'"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer".

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer says, "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman!!!"

[PluggyRug]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?

The girl, crying, replied, 'Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club .. (takes a breath) .. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!

[PluggyRug]

Subject: THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A TEXAS GIRL


Three friends married women from different parts of the country .

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Missouri . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

SOF