[ccga3359]

We couldn't decide whether to cremate grandma or bury her, so in the end we let her live.

[BartSimpson]

Ouch!!!

[martin14]

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada!!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Trudeau:" Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"


Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?"

[stratos]

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his cajones (testicles) ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor see what he could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants the doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip,snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do Doc?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boot.

[raydan]

I opened a bar and called it Erectile Dysfunction.

It was a complete flop...



...nobody came.

[BartSimpson]

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they’re at sea for so long.
“Let me show you,” says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there’s a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
“This’ll be the best sex you’ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I’ll give you some privacy.”
The recruit doesn’t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
“Wow! That was the best sex I’ve ever had! I want to do it every day!”
“Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday.”
“Why not Thursday?”
“That’s your day in the barrel.”

[DrCaleb]

I got a dog at the shelter that used to belong to a Blacksmith.

I know he used to belong to a Blacksmith, because as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

[BartSimpson]

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands. “Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About 15 students raise their hand. “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love with a ghost?” Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Hamad , tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?” Hamad replied, “Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”

[PluggyRug]

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in Okotoks, Alberta who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby junior high schools. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Cold Lake prostitute who lives in Smokey Lake and is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel there.

My parents live in a suburb of Ponoka, and one of my sisters, who lives in Hobbema (I can’t remember the new name), is married to a Native transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana in Camrose, and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Calgary. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Drumheller for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his children in Bowden.

All things considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin, who is a member of the Liberal Party???

[BartSimpson]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with an amazingly beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated: "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the agitated jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[raydan]

Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[PluggyRug]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 17 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy" All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a running.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

[herbie]

Cop overhears old couple:

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Hyack]

[BartSimpson]

A college professor was known to curse in class. In protest all the female students decided to leave the next time he cursed.

The professor got word of the protest so at the next class he said “Have you heard about the boat load of whores that went to Africa?”. All the girls started filing out. He said “Hang on, ladies. The boat doesn’t leave till 4:30.”