[PluggyRug]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

[Unsound]

Awesome! Wish he hadn't left Canada out.

[Unsound]

We've gone from "Sorry for provoking you" to "Sorry for the unseemly display of emotion", next step "sorry for doing this to you" followed by the final level of "seriously, we did something, just because we didn't make 1200 movies about it didn't mean it didn't happen"

[andyt]

Nice try Unsound. Hard to match Cleese. He also left out the US. Maybe we could have a contest for CKA'rs to come up with threat levels for Canada and the US. I myself will not even attempt to come up with something that I'm sure Thanos can. I would maintain that our final threat level is "drop the gloves, eh"

[PluggyRug]

Unsound Unsound:

We've gone from "Sorry for provoking you" to "Sorry for the unseemly display of emotion", next step "sorry for doing this to you" followed by the final level of "seriously, we did something, just because we didn't make 1200 movies about it didn't mean it didn't happen"

Good one, like the last line.

[Thanos]

This might have been funny on any other week except one where two Canadian soldiers were murdered by Islam-inspired terrorists.

[Zipperfish]

andyt andyt:

I would maintain that our final threat level is "drop the gloves, eh"

+5 for the chuckle!

[Chumley]

andyt andyt:

Nice try Unsound. Hard to match Cleese. He also left out the US. Maybe we could have a contest for CKA'rs to come up with threat levels for Canada and the US. I myself will not even attempt to come up with something that I'm sure Thanos can. I would maintain that our final threat level is "drop the gloves, eh"

Maybe "Putting on the foil Coach!"

[raydan]

Sorry, but this was written in 2005, it seems... and NOT by Cleese... probably by John Humberstone, but nobody seems to know for sure. There are also a bunch of other versions.

$1:

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

[Jabberwalker]