[Hyack]

BartSimpson BartSimpson:

During the 1973 Yom Kippur War an Israeli observer is spotted spying on the position of an Arab armor formation.

The general in charge orders a platoon of crack soldiers to deal with the pesky Jew.

They don't come back.

He then orders a full brigade assault on the position.

They don't come back, either.

In frustration he orders his whole armored division to assault the wicked Jew's position and to utterly annihilate him!

The next day one bloodied, bedraggled man comes back.

The general is furious! "Report!" he demands!

"Sir, it was an ambush...there were two of them!"

[Robair]

People really need to stop plastering my car with all these flyers.

I have no interest in seeing "Parking Violation" at "The Court House".

[herbie]

Told a guy our town's motto should be changed to "Murphy's Law Strictly Enforced". He laughed and asked if I'd ever heard of Cole's Law.
When I said no, he replied "It's mostly shredded cabbage...."

[PluggyRug]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, takes a selfie with his cell phone, then turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Me want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in Trudeau's Liberal government: Come in, drink coffee, get selfie, shoot the bull, leave shit for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[martin14]

^^

Make him PM, right away.

[herbie]

Dr. Jones, how could you?

How could I what?

You fucked my goddam sister!

Well I walked into my office and there she was laying naked on the table! What else was I supposed to do?

The autopsy you sick fuck!

[DrCaleb]

So, a Republican is on the street, pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the foot.

A guy walking by stops to offer assistance, and the Republican shoots himself in the foot again. He says 'thanks, but I'm ok'. And shoots himself in the foot again.

The good Samaritan asks "Doesn't that hurt?". The Republican says, "Yes, but it drives Democrats crazy!".

[BartSimpson]

DrCaleb DrCaleb:

So, a Republican is on the street, pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the foot.

A guy walking by stops to offer assistance, and the Republican shoots himself in the foot again. He says 'thanks, but I'm ok'. And shoots himself in the foot again.

The good Samaritan asks "Doesn't that hurt?". The Republican says, "Yes, but it drives Democrats crazy!".

[BartSimpson]

A woman went to the emergency room where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.

After listening to her story he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.

"This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Strutz]

Funny one Bart!

[BartSimpson]

A man walks into a liberal bookstore.

He says to the liberal manager, "Would you happen to have Donald Trump's new book on his immigration policy?"

The liberal manager turns red and screams, "GET THE FUCK OUT!!!"


"Yeah, that's the book!"

[BartSimpson]

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties, but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

[BartSimpson]

I went to a really rough bar in Arizona.

It was so rough that at the door they patted me down to check for any weapons.

When they confirmed that I didn't have a gun they gave me one.

[PluggyRug]

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen started out for their day of fishing. On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time, a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of a royal forecaster. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.

[Strutz]

I knew there had to be a reason for it!